my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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