So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
