Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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