nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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