Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
