Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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