I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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