i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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