I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My ass is underappreciated
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i out mim tonsoeep
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