Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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