sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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