he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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