i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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