Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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