i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
