well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
