i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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