Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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