I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
