At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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