Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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