NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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