Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
