just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
