I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
