Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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