I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
