I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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