don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
