after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My ATM looks so different sober.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
