So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
