i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
