The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
