She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
