One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
