If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
