Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
