You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I won the penis lottery.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
