So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
