her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I look better un-naked...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found puke in my bra..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your cock deserves a montage
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
