Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
