I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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