She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
