so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
