I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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