Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
