Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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