Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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