guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
