Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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