Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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