i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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