My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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