Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
barbara walters just said penis...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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