cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
