I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
